Today, my girlfriend sent me a powerpoint detailing her case that I was cheating on her. She used my facebook, twitter, and pinterest as evidence. She was spot on. We should put a jealous women in charge of the FBI. They can uncover anything.

I took way too much xanax over the weekend. None of my friends or family heard from me and the only record I have of my past 2 days is a google search history of: Vodka Jacuzzi, human hamster wheel, and how to tie a tie.

My girlfriend left her facebook logged in on my computer. Not realizing, I went on and started using it. I was going to log out right away, but a private album caught my eye. The only two people who had access were her and her best friend. They used it to upload photos off their poops and compare them to animals. The last picture uploaded this morning one was an ant-eater.

Just found out my roommates live tweet my orgasms. This has been happening for the past 6 months.

Half jokingly I posted, "I thought I had crabs. Turns out it was just lint." Minutes later an ex-posted "That's funny, because I think I caught your lint." Followed by another girl I hooked up with saying, "Me too." I think I'm gonna take a little break from facebook while this crabs/lint controversy blows over :)

When I logged in this morning I noticed the school bully was having a public break up with my crush up on his status. Feeling ballsy, I posted on his status "Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience." Twenty minutes later he proved me right when he came to my house to beat the shit out of me for calling his girlfriend an idiot.

Nothing ruins a relationship faster than a New Years Eve full of tagged photos of you passed out in a leopard print bed with 3 strangers and a midget in a santa suit.

I got tired of telling my girlfriend I was going to bed, then having to hold back from posting about my awesome night out on facebook, so I dumped both.

In a panic, I closed my dating account today. I've been creeping on my boss everyday for the past 2 months. Apparently, the site notifies you every time someone views your profile. I found this out when she sent me an OkCupid message telling me to "get the fuck back to work."

I use to joke the Netflix knew me better than I knew myself. I was proved right when it recommended a documentary on cheating husbands.