I got drunk and started randomly congratulating girls on my friends list on their forthcoming pregnancies. I dont want to be around for the responses.

Chat Roulette sounded like an interesting idea so I decided to try it out. 30 seconds into opening it my dad walks in. Now they're canceling the internet because they're convinced I spend my afternoons watching random dudes jackoff.

My roommate caught me sneaking onto his account so I could wank it to his sister's facebook. In retaliation, he uploaded a nude photo he found on my computer as my profile pic and got me banned from facebook. Worth it.

A 26 year old English guy commented on my mom's myspace. Apparently over there they're called "Yummy Mummys"

My desktop folders: Myspace pics: 2,441 files, Cat: 823, Family photos: 75

My pediatrician uncle used twitter to reminded me to check my poop for blood since I've had such bad diarrhea the past 2 weeks. Thanks

My wife said I should set up an online dating profile and find someone to mix things up in the bedroom. Three months later she uses the profile as proof that I was unfaithful in front of the judge. I never did get that threesome.

As the only Jay Z fan in my small town I thought I would post his lyrics on my status to try and spread the word. My principal found out and now I have church counseling 3 days a week for 4 hours.

The amount of status's on my feed about the tragedy in Japan: 4 or 5. One day later, the amount of status on my feed about Amy Winehouse's death: 40-50. I'm done.

I took 2 adderall the day before my final. I spent the next 8 hours obsessively organizing my farmville.