I wrote on my profile that I would only date long haired musicians. My date showed up with a wig and kazoo.

I didn't sleep at all the night before the SATs. Because I was so nervous? No. Because my phone kept going off with notifications because I liked some random girls status about her break up.

My Facebook had more friends than my entire High School 4 times over.

Don't try to solicit drugs over facebook status update if you're friends with your boss. Especially not meth.

About 90% of my facebook photos had a cat in them. This doesn't bode well for me.

I got asked out on a first date via facebook event invite called "Passionate Night of Romance"

I am suppose to meet the internet love of my life next week. I got a message from him today reading: "I saw someone buying a Cinnabon who looked a lot like you in the Johnson Walmart. Except much fatter." I just returned from a 30 minute drive to get some Cinnabon.

Maybe I'll come back if facebook created an app to skip through a chicks photos to just the ones where she and her friends are dressed like skanks

My wife just tweeted: "Pooping" Rip Twitter. Rip Marriage

I know I don't live in the smartest state, but I jokingly put up a status: "Breaking News: Local Man Arrested For Attempting to Mail Watermelon with Food Stamps." Four people asked me to forward them the article.