After 6 months of treating linkedin as my personal dating service, I finally did it. I finally got fired for harassing the secretary. Now I have no connections that I havn't tried to sleep with.

I would get high and try to convince my roommate to grow weed on farmville and sell it on mafia wars.

The cab driver friend requested me on facebook. I added him cause it's not like he didn't already know where I live and that I enjoy getting blackout drunk.

Facebook's a lot like a can of Pringles. Once you pop, you can't stop browsing bikini pics. Then you pop again. She posted it, she asked for it.

After getting into a heated argument, I updated my status to: "There is utterly no correlation between what a man says to you and what he feels in his heart." My boyfriend's comment: "I love you." F*** this.

I realized the closest thing I ever had to love was an organized playlist on Pornhub.

I got so high I forgot to feed my cows on farmvile and 2 of them died. I cried for 20 minutes, ate a tub of icecream and convinced myself I will never be a fit mother.

My roommate won't talk to me anymore because he thought it would be funny to create a fake dating profile and lead me on. That's when he found I like to bring these girls back to have sex on his bed. On the quilt his grandma knit him.

It was time to close one of my facebook accounts after getting engaged. It was difficult to explain to my fiance that one account was for friends and family and the other was for chicks I picked up at a bar and told I was a member of the Saudi Royal Family.

My morning routine: Get up, take a piss, brush my teeth, start untagging.