My technologically impaired grandpa was staying with us for the weekend. He woke me up to yell that our "Damn computer was broken!" Was it broken? No. He just kept typing in his elderly porn search requests into my Google+ stream and sharing it with everyone.

I got so high I forgot to feed my cows on farmvile and 2 of them died. I cried for 20 minutes, ate a tub of icecream and convinced myself I will never be a fit mother.

My morning routine: Get up, take a piss, brush my teeth, start untagging.

My dad became a fan of "underwater handjobs." I'm never using facebook or the jacuzzi again.

My little brother borrowed my iphone today because he broke his and needed to be picked up by my parents. He thought it would be funny to use my fb account to "check in" to 2 strip clubs and an abortion clinic.

I just found "Can you get a divorce in 2 weeks?" & "Slutty nurse costumes" in our Google search history. I didn't ask, but I think I know what my wife's Halloween plans are.

I've been unemployed for the past 6 months. Not so much because I am unskilled or unqualified but because I spent the last 5 and a half months being a fake celebrity on Twitter.

My brother thought it would be funny to make my OKCupid profile our family Christmas card.

My boyfriend explained to me why I never met any of his friends. He thinks I look so great in my facebook pictures that he doesn't want to disappoint his friends by introducing me in person...and that I should take it as a compliment.

I swallowed a thin baggy of glitter to win 1st place on a poop rating website. It's the highest honor I've ever been bestowed.